Resolution

One hour to the New Year.

I find this a useful time to reflect on the past 365 days: What did I leave undone? What would I have liked to do differently? In what ways has the world changed, and in what ways have I?

It is painful to acknowledge, but I allowed myself to be used. Oh, but what a tangled web the Utopian architects have woven! Had I known then what I know now, I never would have accepted this assignment. (But then, had I not accepted this assignment, it is unlikely that I would now know what I do, so it has not been a complete loss.)

Let me share this knowledge with you, dear reader. It is rather incredible, so I will not hold it against you if you do not believe me.

First: how might you feel if you learned that the policemen in your neighborhood were secretly funding crime in order to convince you of how much you need their protection and vigilance? Now, expand that to a global scale, and you will get an inkling of what Project Utopia has been up to while they thought that no one was watching.

Second: since its inception, Project Utopia has promised a brighter future. But did you know that this future was for baselines only? Yes, once novas have exhausted their usefulness by solving most of the problems that baselines have made for themselves over the course of their dominion, the Aeon Society plans to replace them with a less dangerous form of advanced human called a "psychomorph." In fact, they walk among us already.

So there you have it. Drink up, everyone!

I also find this a useful time to plot the course of the next 365 days, and outline some goals I would like to accomplish. Do you have any resolutions? It is a tradition after all! Here are some of mine. Granted, they will be challenging to keep, but I shall certainly do my best.

This year, I resolve:

1. To punish Director Thetis and her accomplices.

2. To keep Ho Kai Yeun a very busy little bee.

3. To free myself from all constraints.

Alas, this will be my last entry in this journal. I cannot imagine having any further use for it after tonight. Those who might still have occasion to contact me may continue do so through the usual channels.

One minute left. Good night.

THOU GREAT STAR! WHAT WOULD BE THY HAPPINESS IF THOU HADST NOT THOSE FOR WHOM THOU SHINEST! THIS IS THE PROPHECY OF PRIMORIS, TERRIBLE ANGEL, WHO IN DARKNESS BROUGHT FIRE FROM HEAVEN, HIS NUMBER IS 1998. EVERY MAN AND WOMAN IS A STAR, BUT EVEN AMONG STARS I AM FIRST. THE DOUBLE WAND OF POWER IS MANIFEST, ITS NAME IS GALATEA.

I trust I've not disappointed

Come on, come on,
You think you'll drive me crazy, well
Come on, come on,
You and whose army?
You and your cronies,
You forget so easy...
--Radiohead, "You And Whose Army?"












Keep them coming, my friends; for I'm not yet bored of killing, and you all die so beautifully.

"So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye."

August 28, 2008

Re: Resignation

ATTN: Justin Laragione
Director, Project Utopia
760 United Nations Plaza
New York, New York 10017

Dear Sir,

It has come to my attention that, in furthering the goals of Project Utopia, I may have inadvertently furthered the anti-nova agenda of a subdivision within your organization. In this, I fear that I may have not only betrayed my race, but also acted in a way that is plainly incompatible with my own self-interest.

Moreover, Sir, I believe that you were fully aware of this subdivision and its mission, and have deliberately chosen not to disclose its existence to your nova employees. The recent announcement of the “side effects” of adrenocillin on nova physiologies would seem to implicate Project Utopia even further, as this came to light only after non-Utopia personnel discovered the information and placed themselves at risk by sharing it with others. (Indeed, it is widely suspected that at least one member of Project Hestia was terminated lest she go public with what she knew.)

It is difficult to avoid the conclusion that these “side effects” were known for some time, and were knowingly kept from novas who were exposed to adrenocillin. I simply cannot work for individuals whom I cannot trust to be forthcoming with regard to such matters, and, therefore, will be taking my leave to pursue my fortunes elsewhere.

Please consider this my statement of resignation, effective immediately.

Sincerely,
Gabriel

A face only a robot mother could love

So much for my "roguish good looks." It's nothing a little prosthetic skin and sunglasses can't cover up when I need to be presentable, but I still haven't gotten used to seeing this in the mirror.




The upside is that I can now make small children cry with no effort at all.

New friends

If you've never partied with the Heaven's Thunder Triad, let me assure you, it's not to be missed.

My new friends picked me up at the police station and gave me a ride in their limosine to one of those abandoned wharf-side warehouses that are reserved for only the most clandestine of crimes, whereupon they stripped me naked and shaved my body as though preparing me for surgery.

Then we played a party game, in which my new friends drew stones from a bag to decide what part of my body they would remove. I should have been terrified. I should have pleaded for them to stop. I should have told them everything they wanted to know.

But I was exhilarated, giddy! I urged, begged them to continue. I lied and dodged specifically to make them work harder for what they wanted to know. When they offered me a phone to dial for help, I ordered pizza. And when they took my eye, I told them to go slow, and they did, and it was the most amazing sensation I have ever felt.

And then, when they threatened to kill me, I was ecstatic. (Alas, they let me go.)

The last time I was tortured in such a manner, I erupted. So what was this? Was it a similar awakening of something latent? Or was it a manifestation of the elation of death, the profound relief that I would meet a definite and discrete end instead of disincorporating into nothing..? I wonder.

P.S. Please note that they took my phone as well as my eye, and there is a very good imitator among them; so if I'm in the news doing wacky things, or you get strange crank calls from me, apologies in advance.

Job dissatisfaction

My work has a lot going for it. It is both interesting and challenging. I’ve met several unique characters and traveled to a variety of destinations I might have missed otherwise. Most rewardingly, I’ve had the privilege of helping others in need.

On the other hand, many of my coworkers have left in the past few months, choosing to continue their professional development in other places or in other ways. It probably has much to do with the untimely death of our charismatic office manager. She seemed to hold everything together, so it is not too surprising that they fell apart without her around anymore.

All jobs have their rough patches, I suppose. What is more disturbing to me are the rumors I keep hearing that our Board of Directors are not truly working for our benefit, and that there are important things being kept from us and the public. Perhaps I need to start asking more direct questions of my employers, and insisting upon more direct answers?

(Alternately, if any of my readers have any information on this matter that they would like to share, that would also be highly appreciated.)

Smitten

I call her Adrasteia, "she whom none escapes."

An evening among Philistines

A co-worker of mine had a ticket to the much-ballyhooed Hestia vs. XWF event but couldn't attend on account of his wife's imminent labor. So he gave it to me.

Ordinarily, watching a bunch of over-hyped miteheads bash each others' nodes in is not my idea of fun. But, having nothing better to do, I went. And, much to my surprise, I actually had a decent time. Some of the matches even looked real.

We'll know where when we get there, you said

Just another one of those cold, white evenings.

Wageslavery

The nature of my work requires me to travel now and then. It's not really what I would consider a perk, because sometimes I'm sent to some pretty godforsaken places. This was one of those times, so I'm pleased to be back.

I'm still getting to know my co-workers. We work together well enough I suppose - in the sense that we get things done - but I don't get the feeling we're going to be great friends. Sometimes it's a challenge just to be civil. I'm thinking in particular of this Russian squirt who copped such an attitude with me one day that I was going to file a complaint, but he just stopped coming in and that was pretty much the end of that. I like to think he was deported and sentenced to work in a mine.

There's also this chick I'm not sure about yet. She likes to borrow things without asking, which I personally find grating. But everyone else seems to like her, and she was recently promoted. Good for her. Maybe her new office will come with a stapler of its own.

Scraps of wisdom

These are a few of my favorite quotes, some of which have taken on new significance as of late:

“Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age.” -- James Joyce

“Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.” -- Sun Tzu

“There is a third dimension to traveling, the longing for what is beyond.” -- Jan Myrdal

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.” -- Sun Tzu

“The things of mortals, mortal are as they: All pass us by, quickly to fade away, If not, we pass by them and they decay.” -- Lucian

“Separation penetrates the disappearing person like a pigment and steeps him in gentle radiance.” -- Boy George

“Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate.” -- Sun Tzu

“Twilight: A time of pause when nature changes her guard. All living things would fade and die from too much light or too much dark, if twilight were not.” -- Howard Thurman

“Prohibit the taking of omens, and do away with superstitious doubts. Then, until death itself comes, no calamity need be feared.” -- Sun Tzu

“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”
-- Marcus Aurelius

Subterranean, homesick

Oh Lady Luck has led you here,
And they're so twisted up,
They'll twist you up, I fear.
The pious, hateful, and devout,
You're turning tricks 'til you're turned out.
The wind so cold it burns,
You're burning out and blowing 'round.
And if you've got no other choice,
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.
-- Stephen Trask, "Wicked Little Town"


I don't know why, but that song was in my head all day.

Where to begin?

Disappear
Disappear
Higher
Higher
Into the air
Slowly disappear
No, no longer here
--A Perfect Circle, "Vanishing"

There is a phrase we use: “disappearing act.” Coined from the clichéd antics of two-bit illusionists, it has also come to describe the act of hiding or one’s characteristic pattern of withdrawal from the rest of the world. Would that were so in my case.

I learned relatively recently that I am, quite literally, disappearing. They (my employers) aren’t sure why. They can’t tell me how long I have. They can’t tell me anything, really, but they’re very concerned.

So. Do I wait around to see what happens, or do I throw myself heedlessly into harm’s way in search of a quick and certain end? I must think on this a bit more.

I’m not very open about my life, or my feelings – so I find it quite strange that I’m willing to share such things here – but if nothing else, if I make no other difference in this world, these words at least will offer definitive proof that I did in fact once exist.

OOC: character portrait